A Deeper Look At The Poor Me Control Drama
This is the most passive of all the “Control Dramas.” This style is designed to get the other person to feel sorry for them using this indifferent manipulation. This lures them in to connect or reconnect with them in sympathy, which shifts the energy of the jointly connected minds to their control.
Here is how it works: the drama is designed to make you feel like you did something wrong, and were not “there” for them in a time of need. They may say something such as, “You were there for me when all these bad things were happening.” Or more boldly, “After all I have done for you, you let me down like this.” This suddenly throws you off balance and brings your attention and connection back to them, as you consider whether what they are saying is true. When the game fully works, you connect deeply with them, trying to make amends.
When this happens, they feel good but you, in turn, feel drained or weakened. This is because they have seized control of the joint mind the two of you have created, moving you into a kind of voluntary deferral to their dominance.
You know that this is a game because even if you think they might have a point and you try to comfort them, they never quite interact authentically. They always carry the air of one wronged. No matter how attentive you are, they want more, and they often repeat the game by naming some other guilt-inducing accusation at you.
How do you end the “Poor Me” game?
The solution is simple, though sometimes difficult. Dr. Eric Bern, in his famous book “The Games People Play,” advised a simple solution where you do not angrily fight back or leave, but instead help them break out of their game. You “name the game.” In fact, naming the game is exactly what you have to do to stop any of the other “Control Dramas” as well.
One person cannot play games successfully, unless the other person who is being manipulated plays along, to some extent. Usually, this happens when they are not honest about what they feel, or often using a counter game of their own. By naming the game, you bring the interaction back to authenticity by honestly revealing what you feel.
Plainly say something such as, “Sometimes I feel you try to make me feel guilty in order to control me.” What you are saying is the truth as you know it, and the truth always sets you, and the other person, free.
Now they might argue with you, or guilt trip you a little more, but stick to your guns. Say, “I am just telling you how I feel.” Pose it in that way because it might be possible you are wrong. They are reacting rational to the situation, and everything they say is true. If that is the case, then that truth will also emerge once the conversation becomes authentic.
Another principle to employ in breaking the game, while also moving the interaction into a more genuine state, is to not use what you are saying to seize the connection back under your dominance. In fact, make sure that you speak to them with the assumption that they are rising into their own Divine Connection. In this way, they will be more likely to feel a greater increase in energy and will be less dependent on yours. Lastly, keep the conversation honest by sharing your own “Control Drama” tendencies with them.
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