My Journey To Personal Happiness

[michellepetkus]

The 80ís and 90ís were a difficult time for me. I spent most of my childhood scared and fearful of everyone and every thing. On top of that I felt guilty and responsible for the happiness of everyone around me. I felt the only way I can be good is by being little miss perfect. By making the conscious choice to face the things that scared me I slowly worked through my fears but I still had a lot of guilt until the 90ís when I began working in a bar and became exposed to more people with more selfishness and negativity. Because of their behavior I got over the immobilizing effects of guilt and fear but the problem was that even though, to a small degree, I let go of some of my guilt and fear, to replace it I added anger to the equation. It got so bad that I probably spent at least 2 good years hating everyone and everything including myself. I was unhappy, rarely smiled and just plain did not have much fun. I left the bar after six years, got a new job in corporate America and moved to the suburbs. This helped open me up again to a small degree but I still struggled with a certain amount of guilt and anger. I still wasnít happy and my health was reflecting all the emotional turmoil I had carried with me my whole life. I basically took a step forward to take some giant steps back. Between my health issues, the stress of a demanding job and a very negative boss, and a partner at home making it more difficult instead of easier I headed down the path of a nervous break down. Life was not turning out the way it was suppose to. All I wanted was to be happy but it just seemed so elusive and impossible to achieve. What I will say is all the while going through this I never stopped trying to understand myself and the world at large. I did a lot of soul searching, self help book reading, and plain old people observation. Little by little insights would come. Iíd catch a little glimpse of understanding only to be thrown back into mental confusion. And then one day it just happened. It wasnít a momentous life changing event that spurred it on. Needing major surgery for one illness didnít do it. And practically becoming a cripple from a back injury no one believed I had didnít do it either. Those events actually spiraled me down deeper into emotional turmoil and distress. The moment my life changed came not as a fireworks show but as a simple flipping of the switch. It was as easy as that. I simply changed my mind. After countless years of being sick and tired of being sick and tired I just plain decided I was done. It was an ordinary day at work with me trying to be little miss perfect and failing at every turn when I realized that it was the trying that was important, not the results. Basically the overwhelming thought I had was, to be happy all I needed to embrace was the fact that, above all, I always tried with all my heart. From that point on my focus shifted from focusing on what I wasnít to focusing on what I was. The failures didnít matter because I could practice and get them right one day. Everyoneís attitudes, including my own could be changed. I did not all of a sudden become a perfectly positive person. I still had/have some habitual negative behavior that I have been carrying with me through lifetimes that I have to work through. But the guilt and anxiety about having these tendencies, about not being perfect, have faded away because I now only focus on the fact that I always try to first do no harm. My intentions are in the right place and that is all that is important. And the peace and happiness that has followed has surpassed my wildest dreams. The simple fact of the matter is, to change your life, simply change your mind. Itís as easy as that.



Sincerely,

Michelle



If anyone else has any stories about how they've achieved personal happiness please share them here.

[chakratom]

Hi Michelle,



thank you for such a story, it is one I can relate to, and yet my path is so very different in nature.



Let's just say, I took some LSD at the most amazing display of human creativity, an all weekend, all night outdoor "rave" party with almost 10,000 people. I got over my fear and loathing of the people around, and felt finally at home and at peace.



I know reflect back to it whenever I feel doubt, now I am on the path to being a spiritual healer, making more money than ever, a great plave to live, and a garden bigger than I have ever had to work with. All in an apartment building in the city!



Oh, and I am going to India for the winter between seasons, to Goa, and maybe other places I have yet to discover.



And to echo Michelle, all you need to do is make a choice to do something, and a change of mind will open your heart to the world.



I hope to see some of you in my travles...



Peace



Tom
________
NEVADA MEDICAL MARIJUANA DISPENSARIES

[michellepetkus]

Hi Tom,



I have heard a few people express reaching an altered state of consciousness through drugs that for a fleeting second I thought about trying it but then I realized that I wanted to get there on my own without using an aid. But I will say that some of the exprerinces I have heard about them are quite intriguing. I guess as long as you are responsible about the use of drugs but its not my cup of tea because I don't know that I could control it. In any event, thanks for sharing. It sounds like your life has truly turned a positive corner.



Michelle

[soul_express]

[Theressa]

Hi All,



I felt drawn here just now and as always it is just what I have been thinking about.



I really like what Soul_express said about just being unconscious.



I feel I am on a journey but I see it as peaks and troughs for me. I never really ever felt liked by anyone really. I always thought I wasn't good enough. I thought I'd never find anything I was good at. I remember school I realised I just had to be good and do as I was told but I see how I wasn't nurtured, praised or didn't have healthy rolemodels. I had a friend who bullied me emotionally for years from age 7 years old. She wasn't very academic but she had a big sister who helped her dress really well. Her family were about money and showing off about how much you spent. Whereas at home dad worked hard and mum made sure our home was shining. I was the eldest so I didn't have anyone to teach me how to dress up.



I can never remember having any friend or friends who I felt so close to. I just wasn't the same as them. They all were materialistic but I loved to read and learn. I have been very lonely. I am very socialable but I find people get so busy with their lives and they never ring me. Its me who rings them. They have people in their lives who are clingy. I tend to get on with my life and ring them occassionally.



I met my daughter's father when I was 19 years old and I felt honored to be liked. He was very distant at first and so I chased him and made all of the conversations. I became pregnant after about six weeks. I emotionally beat up on myself for being caught out. Part of me felt I had to and the other felt I was a bad girl. He was so critical and I jumped through more hoops than a circus clown. I finally visited a site by Dr Irene in the USA and realised about emotional abuse. I made plans to leave.



I met a counsellor called Ron and he and Dr Irene helped me loads. Ron is the person who brought the celestine prophecy to a session one day and I went out and bought it. Life has been changing ever since. I started learning about Reiki about 2004 and life has been changing alot since.



I am now feeling finally that I can smile. Yesterday I was talking with a guy who takes drugs and I Felt really empathy, understanding and love between us. He told me he does drugs because he feels a sense of belonging to the group. He feels he has a purpose even though that purpose is going out and scoring for someone. Then when he gets back after another shit day of nothing he takes a bag and for five hours or so when he is lay on his bed he doesn't have to think of all the shit that's going around in his head and how shit his life is.



I realise how time flies when I am helping another and in a state of total empathy, I can feel the love flow out of my heart.



I am learning to just do my role and not to sort things for anyone else. I realise all my life I've been cleaning others side of the street and no wonder I've not achieved what i wanted.



I am learning to focus on what I have achieve and trying to focus on one moment, one day at a time.



I've been clearing out my home and only keeping those things that I feel are me now.



Thanks for listening

Blessings

Theressa