Do you experience this too?

[Lana]

My question is; does anyone else experienc this (see below).

From about the age of 15 years old I have experienced a recurring theme. Another female has strong feelings around me and deals with this by behaving rudely toward me and also spreading rumours and creating drama behind the scenes with others. It has often resulted in me being "excluded" from the group (workplaces. sports teams etc). It amazed me that although I treated everyone kindly, never said a bad word about anyone, that people would go along with this group mentality. Even the males. I had also noticed the way people are to one another and I could never understand why. Helping people and being kind were behaviours I felt good about. Hurting people never did make me feel good so I had a lot of trouble making sense of it all (although I'm sure I behaved in unhelpful ways as I'm not perfect, of course). I literally felt like an alien trying to figure out people so I could "fit in".

During my early 20s I came to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me. Something different about me. I worked very hard on myself over this time so I could fix whatever this was, analysing my feelings, behaviour and drawing inspiration and example from those whose behaviour I admired. I learnt a lot and got myself sorted out. In other words I suppose I moved away from ego-led behaviour and spent much more time aware. The background reason for doing all of this was to be at peace. I couldn't understand why, if I'm such a lovely person, there was often so much fuss around me. I wasn't causing conflict, I didn't have a problem, so what on earth was going on?

Friends and my husband said "It's about them, not you" but that didn't make sense to me. I started learning that jealousy/insecurity and other such emotions can lead people to behave in these ways. I went to a lot of effort to put people at ease, reassure them, and as always, treat them respectfully. However, this didn't make a blind bit of difference.

I was suffering. I thought I couldn't be at peace if I was constantly surrounded by people treating me disrespectfully.

Then I read the book "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. AHA! Finally some answers. For the first time I'd found something that explained all about human nature. All the things I was so puzzled about were answered. And from there came discovering the Celestine Prophecy also.

I am now practising to be in the present and not get caught up in the conflict the ego likes to create. I have found peace. I thought that once I found this peace that there would be a different vibe about me and others would be less inclined to fuss around me as my inner resistance to the ego was less. But that hasn't been the case at all. There continues to be fuss around me.

I guess now I learn from the universe how to remain in the present even in the midst of conflict, without reacting. And that may be when I have the most chance of sparking awareness in others.

I don't know whether all people experience this and just don't talk about it but there really does seem to be a lot more fuss around me than others. The way I have come to explain it to myself is: "The ego fears awareness. Awareness is evolution. Ego...is not." The problem before discovering all of these answers was that I was taking it personally. Now I understand that it isn't personal. That has helped enormously. I am learning to forgive, to look through the action, beyond to the ego. Forgive them for they know not what they do.

Can any of you relate to this? Has your journey to finding peace/awareness been like this? Perhaps this journey is unique to the life I am living, the form I am in, my purpose.

I have been reading your posts and have already discovered some relevant and helpful advice which is awesome. I know we all have our unique role in bringing awareness to others. Mine definitely involves being aware and in the present without ego, all the time, every day, no matter what. (Of course I have sometimes reacted when I shouldn't have). I just wondered, is part of being aware constantly having the ego pecking at you?

The words I have chosen in the above last question indicate that I am still learning to be at peace in the face of coflict.

Can anyone relate?

It is so nice to be able to share with others like me.

Lana.

[michellepetkus]

Hi Lana,

I do rather think your issue is a personal one. I am sure others have similar issues but not everyone. For me, my situation was based more in feeling judged by people. My father was hyper critical (he means well) and this caused me to feel like I couldn't do anything right. This caused me to feel self conscious and guilty. I just assumed that everything bad that happened in my life was always my fault somehow. That being said, I think even if our lessons this life around may be different we are all essentially headed towards the same goal and there can be much similar to be gained from any type of scenario.

It sounds like you have made great strides in finding peace but I think like you said in one of your other posts there may still be some habit left to resolve. You have gained clarity and objectivity but you may still be putting off the vibes that drew the behavior to you in the first place. Just keep staying objective about yourself and things will keep coming clearer to you. And before you know it life will become even more peaceful.

The one thing I am working on right now is trying to figure out how to let go of conditions. The less I fret on the way my world is at any given moment in time the more peaceful I am and consequently the more smooth my life runs. So stop and take a look around at how much people fight to try and get their worlds to conform in the ways that make them feel comfortable and safe. Right now I am seeing a huge connection in how letting go of our personal conditions in how we think or would like life to be and conversely just learning to be OK with the way it is can lead to even more synchronicities and peace.

Welcome to the board. It is a pleasure to meet you.

Love,
Michelle

[Lana]

Hi Michelle,

I am so excited to have found you all. BIG HUGS. It is a pleasure to meet you too. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for your very wise reply.

What you have said is very helpful. That the way I am interpreting things is personal. You mentioned in your life there has been a theme of feeling judged stemming from a hyper-critical parent. That's really interesting. If I look closely I realise that my feeling of exclusion possibly stems from a step-parent who bullied me (I suppose to get energy for herself, she was also controlling to cope with her insecurities). I was 15 and the theme has continued since then. I am still unaware of how I'm possibly drawing this to myself. I had thought it was because people can get energy from me by being rude or creating conflict as they know I won't hurt them back. Perhaps there is more to it than that.

These situations create enormous anxiety for me as I had believed at certain times that people creating conflict around me have the ability to sabotage close relationships that were important to me (as this had happened in the past). As I progress I realise they have taken nothing and given me everything and that nothing really belongs to me anyway.

I will continue to be objective about myself and am swelling with excitement and hope that more peace is to come.

Sharing your thoughts on conditions has also been very helpful to me. I have been clinging to expectations of how my world should be and getting frustrated with others (within myself, but obviously that must send out vibes to others) when they haven't been behaving the way I think they should (the way that makes me feel comfortable and safe). So the angst is being created by my own expectations not being met. Obviously I have much more letting go to do.

Michelle said:

[michellepetkus]

Hi Lana,

Also keep in mind that everyone else is working from conditions also. Meaning most of the reason people treat us the way they do has to do with them trying to control their world to meet their own conditions so they feel safe and secure. Your step mother and others may not be intentionally trying to sabotage others lives but rather doing things in an effort to feel control and consequently they wind up hurting others. I say this because putting perspective on other people's motives helped me to make their actions less personal. And by making it less personal I was better able to step outside myself and make healthier choices in how I wanted to respond to their behavior.

In any event more peace is definitely on the way and with that a lot less drama. There will still be some drama because we can't control how people are going to act but the drama won't phase you which is golden.

Love,
Michelle

[Lana]

Hi Michelle,

I am pleased to report that I have found more peace since we last talked.

As I mentioned in another post I just completed, I personally have found (and it is not my original idea, it is from Eckhart Tolle) that fully accepting any situation has brought enormous awareness for me and for the person I am interacting with. I guess I have found a skill to help me cope, so now it doesn't even feel like something to cope with, it just happens. It's so wonderful!

It is true that everything I needed to get to where I am today has occurred in my life. I accept my life! So although I have been treated as a pariah by an unbelievable (to most) number of people it has given me everything I needed. And this will continue so that I can really practise being aware, not reacting....but also.....I wonder if this is the way that I make a difference in the world....I was given a gift of flaring the ego - it's not anything I do or say (as I worked on that years ago to try and end it and that didn't work). It's in my essence - this gives me the opportunity to bring awareness to many that I enconter on a daily basis, and so this is my purpose.

Much more at peace (with much more to learn).



PS. Sadly it feels as though some friends are falling away. This time, I fully accept that. They were brought into my life to get me to this point, and perhaps now I'll be OK if they aren't there. Perhaps we have learned all we can from one another.

[michellepetkus]

Awesome Lana,

It only keeps getting better from here!

Love,
Michelle

[Lana]

By even thinking about what has been in the past, I was getting tricked by ego. Just need to be in the moment, present, and accepting fully what is happening in the here and now. The past is irrelevant.

The solution is so simple...yet we are so easily drawn away from now.