Feeling like my world is turned upside down!!!

[Theressa]

Hi All,

I am feeling disappointed, hurt, sadness, let down. My solar plexus is buzzing with the emotions.

Last night my boyfriend said "Theressa I need to tell you the spark that has been in my previous relationship I do NOT see with us. The intensity is just not there. We have alot in common and I really feel confussed. I care alot and respect you alot so, I need to share my feelings. If you want to continue seeing me and see if things change then that's good but, if you want to end it I'll understand. He went on - I can't say that without this spark if I can commit to a long term relationship with you Theressa"

Well I couldn't sleep at all last night. I feel like my world is upside down. I said we could see how things unfold. But, the truth is I am feeling so confussed.

He has been needy in the past in his relationships and I have needed to be needed but, this is not the same with us. We have both been none controlling. I and he is unsure if the intensity was about the fact we were in controlling (chaser types of relationships in the past)

Does the spark be in healthy relationships?

Or is it only in controlling/codependent relationships?

I do hope someone can reply as I feel so s*it at the moment.

Love
Theressa

[tonyamendola]

Hey Theressa

I would say this man has offered you a gift

If it were me I would offer this relationship to HS

You may just find there is something greater that a Worldy relationship in this - why set limits on it
Is the healthy relationship "sparks" or something far greater ?

Dont be afraid to Love and remember you cant be s*** because you are as God created you - right now

[littlebird]

Dear Theressa,

I would like to add that Love should not and could not be controlled......It just happens, like the seasons of change.

Love ya, Lisa
_________________
God is Love

[GeneHrsy]

Ask him, "what is the spark he is looking for?". Is it the fear, the in-trepidation of 'can my ego keep her attention'?

Think of a spark ... isn't it a momentary flash that no one can grasp nor hold? Is a spark something that lasts?

It is the big spark of all time that truly holds us/it all together.

You don't have to end a relationship because you aren't all cuddly. Kittens are good for that!!

Namaste
Gene
_________________
It Just Keeps Getting Better
Time is the measurement of humanity's Awakening to the True nature of Now.
Ever wonder what would happen if the whole world farted, then smiled at the same time??

[michellepetkus]

Hi Theressa,

Sparks generally have mostly to do with physical attraction and they wear off. When they do that is usually when the controlling starts and the relationship falls apart. I do believe that all things are possible so there is nothing saying a relationship driven by sparks won't last but it kind of seems to me that the whole reason for the sparks is so that you get drawn to someone who will challenge you who you might not otherwise get involved with. Is that making sense. When we are in heaven we love everyone equally with the same kind of love. So there has to be a purpose for the different types of feelings we have down here and for me it just seems that it makes facing our issues something we can't help but do because of this feeling pulling us to the other. In any event, I do kind of feel that the truly lasting relationships start more from a friendship level. That doesn't mean you won't challenge each other but you will more than likely stick it out for the long haul if you actually like the person as well as love them. That being said, it kind of seems to me that this is a sign that you are past your issue of needing to be needed but your friend may not. He is still looking for that energy that he is dependent on where you are looking for something deeper. I know it still hurts to loose him but if he is not ready to be the partner you are looking for then it is best you know now before it goes too long so that you have the opportunity to find someone who is worthy of you. My heart is with you that you will find that special someone because you definitely deserve it.

Love,
Michelle

[Theressa]

Hi All,

Thank you for replying.

What bothers me in all this is me. This man has been telling me “well have to see” the last few dates.” Which probably meant he was unsure about me. I felt this but, thought it was just his fears. Then he tells me what I was thinking that he didn’t feel about me what he felt about his ex-partner. From day one I knew I couldn’t compete with his polish beauty. I told my counsellor this. He said “Its just you projecting rejection.” No, I think on a level I knew this man needs a woman who makes him look good. Like “Wow look at him with such a darling”. I am not Jennifer Aniston, nor am I blonde hair size 8 like his polish beauty. But, since he did reiki and the stuff he said he has me duped into thinking he was deeper.

So, why the f*ck did he even ask me out? He met me and he said “He’d like to see me again. He said he wanted a deeper girl and not just a show girl” Every time we met he’d ask did you have a good time. I’d say “YES” like you would if you were being enthusiastic. He’d say “I had a good time.” I asked him why he always asked me first. He said “he liked it that way” So, he kind of build up his ego and then trashed mine!!! That’s like my sister does gets lots of praise and then criticises me.

Then he told me we’d have to see what would happen long term. Then he is snogging me. Then he is telling me that since he isn’t desperate to see me there is no spark. Since I don’t look like a stunner there’s no spark. I believe we know instantly if we like or fancy someone so why bother asking a normal girl if you want a stunner?

Its as if his old pattern of looking for stunners is still in him, but, on some level he knows they are no good for him. But, like a relationship addict he still is intoxicated by them. Then on another level he knows that a decent girl like me would be better for him.

But, I still pursued him. I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. (when most women would say F*ck off I was dumb struck and shocked.) Did I run, no I said we could have fun. He told me I was thoughtful and kind. (A f*cking doormat more like). I wanted to be none controlling. I was patient and understanding. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I was none controlling. I gave this man space. He respects me he says. URM??? So, he compares me to a polish beauty and then wonders why I don’t measure up. A polish beauty who spent all his money and f*cked off when they had one big row. When he wouldn’t change his cannabis habit she left him. She changed his clothes, she wanted him to be a different man. When I accepted him. (I get treated like this?)

What is wrong with men. If you treat them like sh*t then is this what they want? If you don’t look like a model then there’s no spark?

After Tommy my ex partner I vowed I ‘d not be a door mat again. I tolerate and understand and put up with so much bull sh*t! What is wrong with me?

Why do I want to be with a man who doesn’t think I am amazing?

It is as if the more unavailable the more I want them. So, am I still co-dependent?

I told him I am me and he said “I don’t compare my girlfriends.” IS THIS MAN SO DUMB. In his mind he is comparing me to every women he ever met. But, they all left him.

Is it that he doesn’t know how to be with a woman who respects him?

Why is it that I tolerate all this and yet I can’t say all this above to him. I don’t want him to know I am so bothered. To boost his ego even more.

He has flaws but, I accept them. I know I am not perfect but, I see my good points. Why is this man not able to see my good points? Okay so he says I am thoughtful and kind. THAT’S like saying “well your not a beauty queen but, you are thoughtful and kind.”

He’s not a beauty stud himself. So, what right has he got to highlight my flaws. Spark is his f*cking ego needing a stunner to feel better. How shallow is that?

Thanks
Love
Theressa

[truth]

Hi Theressa,

Oh my!

I'm sorry that you're going through such an awful time with all of this, but I know that you know we are sent these things to learn from and grow. So what's the lesson here?

One way of finding the answer would be to respond with advice to your own post as if it had been written by a stranger. What this does is to distance us from the emotive, and enables us to seek advice of our own 'wise old man'. The answers are within and all that.

One other point I picked up on was you not wanting to be a doormat. I only realised this week that part of myself that is the warrior/protector/father (I haven't decided on a name for it yet), which is that part of us that stands up for what is right. And no, it wasn't my left hook! All well and good co-operating with the Universe, but we still have to realise and welcome that part of us that is the warrior (for right and good).

And all because Mars entered Cancer this week!

Be good, be brave and be happy,
Pat

[michellepetkus]

Hi Theressa,

I can totally see how you can be angry. It does indeed sound like he used you. I like what Pat suggested, to try and write out for yourself, in the third person, what advice you would give if the situation wasn't yours. The one thing I would hone in on is the comment,

[Theressa]

Hi Michelle,

Can you explain what you mean about my thinking I couldn't compete with his polish beauty being my reality?

I decided to email this man as I would tell a friend to do. I would tell a friend to speak up for herself. To tell this man that he has given so many mixed messages and that his ex wasn't so wonderful since she was off at the first hurdle and that when he got resentful about spending so much money she was off.

I told him that I am me. I am not inferior. I won't wait around to be compared to some fantasy woman. Nor will I be with him until someone better turns up.

I have self respect and I deserve someone who loves me. I won't settle for someone who compares me unfavourably.

I told him that people know as soon as they meet someone if they are attracted or not so why contact me if he didn't find me attractive. I told him obsession is not healthy.

I told him that the way he has treated me is not the way to treat a friend.

I have told him that its his choice now. He can reply or not but, at least I have spoken my truth.

I am not going to sit back and be deflated by a man. This is not a good basis for a relationship. I don't know what the future holds but, my friendships are based on truth and on people who love me the person infront of them.

So, I don't know what next but, I know that I stood up for me.

What will be will be.

If he can speak his truth then I can speak mine. Its the only way a relationship can ever be healthy.

Thank you for your loving support.
Love
Theressa

[michellepetkus]

Hi Theressa,

I know you have heard it said that we are energy. Energy that vibrates at certain frequencies. But what is energy? Energy at its core is simply our thoughts. Those thoughts however do not create our concrete reality until we seal them so to speak. Most people however think that all they need to do to make something a reality is to believe. Beliefs however are vulnerable to cracks. I may believe that I can heal from a terminal illness but unless I know it to be true the illness will win. So it is the knowing that it will happen that brings all the people and situations into our life. You believe you deserve to have a true partner in your life but you know that every man you come into contact with is only interested in good looking women which you believe you do not fall into that category. Therefore what you really know is that no man is going to stay because they are looking for someone prettier than you. This however, is only a story that you somehow fell for and bought into along the way. It has no bearing on what the actual truth is/that you are a truly loving worthy wonderful human being deserving of love. But since we have free will without judgment we are allowed to continue to hold onto whatever knowing it is we choose to hang onto until we get tired of being sad, lonely, or unworthy and choose to know something different. And from the tone of your letter to your friend it sounds like you are getting fed up enough that you may indeed be ready to change your story and know something else; that being that you will not accept anything less than a partner in your life. Once you get to that point of saying, no more, I will not tolerate a second fiddle relationship any longer, than all those false knowings you hold onto that bring the losers into your life will simply no longer exist. And then if you come across a potential suitor that is not in keeping with what you now know, that you will have a partnership, then you will just know to not engage that person. The best way that I have found to switch my view from a vulnerable belief to a sense of knowing is to find that determination in me to make it (whatever it is) happen. I just simply focus on determination and nothing else.

Love,
Michelle

[Theressa]

Hi All,

I've learnt some great things from this week of turmoil.

I've learnt that my body shape is very important to me. Self care such as exercise is very important to me. My sense of self worth correlates with how much attention I give to myself. Its like being in your best dress or an old track suit. It gives me a sense of that I am important to me. So, when someone I feel is comparing me I feel attacked because I am unhappy with my body shape. However, I am beginning to see the shape I want appearing each time I go to the gym.

I've realised that I am not ready to be in a deeply involved relationship. I want to have fun and go out but, with my other commitments for example university coming up the dating is better than a full on relationship.

I had a long chat with my boyfriend and I think he finally heard me. "I only want to date, so he has no need to be afraid that I want more involvement." It has taken all this to happen for him to finally hear me.

He told me that he was sorry for all the mixed messages and saying about the Spark. It was all his confussion and insecurities. I said "I'd not be compared to or compete with anyone else." He said "What he meant was he didn't feel about me like he did about his ex partner." I said "I wouldn't expect you to be in love with like you were with her so earlier on in our dating."

I think it was good that I spoke up and we discussed alot of stuff and now we have agreed to just date - go out and have fun and not focus on any more than that at this stage.

Thank you all of you for your patience and suppport.

Love
Theressa

[GeneHrsy]

Hi T,

I have a question that pops up each time I have read your posts of late. It is of personal nature and I hope there is no offence invented.

Is he really just "my boyfriend", or is he Mark?


Cheers
Gene
_________________
It Just Keeps Getting Better
Time is the measurement of humanity's Awakening to the True nature of Now.
Ever wonder what would happen if the whole world farted, then smiled at the same time??

[Theressa]

Hi Gene,

You have me laughing.

He is Mark. He is a person going through his own spiritual journey. He is going to affect me as I affect him. He showed me my own insecurities and I show him his.

I shared with him yesterday that "I guess on some level I imagined that no one would give me mixed messages, but, then when one is going through mixed up feelings and confussion how can one not? since everything is written on our faces"

So, he is not my personal property as in MY BOYFRIEND. I think subconsciously when I angry it was easier to get angry at a third person. My boyfriend than it was at the real person.



Love
Theressa