Dramas - dissolve the confusion and make a clarity soup.

[Digit]

I could really use a lot of clarification on control dramas. took me a while to realise that best is to simply and lovingly, gently label a drama when you reccognise it, putting this into practice with increasing regularity now.



but what if it's difficult to identify.



interogator and aloof i find especially hard to pick up on.



if someone is simply being avoidant, that's not really aloof is it?



if someone is asking you a question (one about yourself) thats not necessarily an interogation is it?



is there a graph or a formula to what to do what not to do, whats better or worse, or indifferent, or accelerating etc....?



sure, you can tell me to just follow my instincts, but when i don't know what my instincts are... what then? getting in a muddle doesnt help, and instinct i'm sure works best with clarity.
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[michellepetkus]

Hi Digit,



I don't think there is a graph out there to help us navigate the waters because people use varying levels of the control dramas. Some may even use multiple dramas at the same time. It is also something that each of us has to learn how to deal with in our own way. What works for one person may not work for another. So I think it would be difficult to formulate a cookie cutter instruction manual for us to learn how to break the control people have over us as well as us individually learning to let go of our own use of them. But then again, maybe some day someone will come up with something.



From my experience though I'd say aloof is pretty much aloof (defensive). If someone is shutting you out, whether it is a stranger not interested in connecting with someone new or a friend who is having a bad day and just wants to be left alone the actions are always the same. If you feel shut out then they are indeed being aloof.



Intimidator (defensive) and poor me (passive-aggressive) are also fairly easy. If someone is being rude and pushy it’s probably a good bet that they are trying to intimidate. Needing to be the leader and in control so they don't get controlled themselves. Subsequently, if someone is crying and whining it is probably safe to say they are acting like a poor me looking for sympathy. Looking for you to take on their responsibilities.



But I will agree that an interrogator (passive-aggressive) can be a little more difficult to spot. A simple getting to know you question isn’t necessarily a control drama. People sincerely ask questions to form a connection. It’s when the questions get out of control that the situation becomes a drama. People who bombard you with questions but are not necessarily interested in your feelings about answering the questions are interrogators. They are also not really interested in your opinion but are rather looking for you to agree with theirs. My mother in law is good for this. She will ask a question over and over again until she gets the response she was looking for. It’s rather tiring. I think for the most part though interrogators are people who crave attention. They pester you to no end and are the true energy stealers. If you are interested in seeing the dynamics of this in action rent the movie, “Planes, Trains, And Automobiles,” with John Candy and Steve Martin. When I first saw this movie I perceived John Candy as this sweet innocent soul just trying to be friends with a crabby Steve Martin. Many, many years passed and I happened to catch it again and was amazed at how my perspective had changed. John Candy is very much an interrogator in the movie and Steve Martin is doing his aloof and intimidator best to avoid being controlled.



I use to perceive the people who use control dramas on a daily basis as manipulator people to avoid at all costs. But then I realized that the only reason they use them is because they don’t know how to act any other way. The bottom line is people use all of the control dramas to varying degrees at one time or another depending on the person or situation they are dealing with. But they use the dramas for only one of two reasons. They are reacting out of fear or are solely focused on a personal desire. The control dramas come out not because they want to be selfish mean people but because they are a subconscious habit. They were taught how to act/react by their parents, friends, or they just plain came in that way from a previous life. It’s kind of similar to your analogy about candy/sweeties. They weren’t taught how to act in a positive manner so their actions/reactions are really just learned negative subconscious responses. The thing is they probably don’t even realize that they are doing it and they definitely are not aware that there are other more positive ways of dealing with life or if they are aware they don’t know how to break the habit of acting/reacting negatively. But that is why we are here. To learn how to deal with people and situations in a more positive cooperative manner. And when we’ve mastered that our positive actions/reactions may hopefully teach others that there can be more positive ways to deal with life.



But until we’ve mastered them, until we are to the point where we aren’t controlled by other people using control dramas on us, it is indeed best to go by your instincts. And the reason so many people suggest this is because your instincts are never wrong. But your instincts aren’t just your higher self’s little voice in your head steering you in the right direction. Your instincts are also your physical emotional alarm. That uneasy feeling you get when things just don’t feel right. So if you are in doubt about whether someone is using a control drama on you pay attention to how you feel physically. If you feel comfortable and safe then the person is truly just trying to connect with you. But if you feel uneasy or defensive then you can probably be certain that a control drama is being used. In those instances I try to become an observer of the situation. This seems to have helped me to control my own use of the dramas. If I take a step back from the situation, think about how I want to react, I find that it is much easier for me to avoid failing into my own negative reaction habits and subsequently falling into the drama battle with them. I can’t tell you how to get to this point. We have to all get there in our own way. But the bottom line is, no matter what someone says or does really doesn’t have anything to do with you. They are acting the way they are because they just don’t know how else to act. So if you can learn to separate yourself from the dramas, see that it is just the way a particular situation is, not a reflection of who you are, then you are one step closer to ending the cycle of control dramas running your life. And as a result you will have done your part to make this world a better place. As each and everyone of us learns to break the effects control dramas have on us by learning to not fall into them ourselves we will truly begin to see what cooperation, team work, and a oneness of all really means.



Sincerely,

Michelle